


half a heart without you

by odasakunosuke



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oikawa is leaving for Argentina, Spoiler for Haikyuu 372, They're both sad and in love with each other but they don't know it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 16:02:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21412864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odasakunosuke/pseuds/odasakunosuke
Summary: When you grow up with a person that has been around you for as long as you can remember, you don't realize how much they mean to you and how much space they have taken up in your life until this person is no longer by your side.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 13
Kudos: 99





	half a heart without you

They should’ve seen it coming. They should’ve been ready.

They knew this day would come eventually, they’ve known for months, for _years_ even.

So why did they feel so bad now that it was time to go?

They had barely spoken today. Iwaizumi had arrived to Oikawa’s house after lunch, two big luggages were already waiting in the entrance, ready to be put into the car. They both had a tag with Oikawa’s name and coordinates written on.

Iwaizumi stopped looking at them and shook his head as he felt his throat tightening at the sight.

All his life, Oikawa’s bedroom had reminded him of his own. He had spent most of his time in it, so it was as if it was his second bedroom. They had shared so many memories together: the day they set up Oikawa’s glow in the dark stars, the afternoons they spend on their mathematics homework, the nights they used to watch all these movies again and again, even though they already knew them by heart.

Iwaizumi really loved Oikawa’s bedroom. It was nothing exceptional, white walks covered with posters about astronomy or volleyball, trophies and medals here and there, a few books scattered on the floor next to his bed. And yet, Iwaizumi loved it, because it suited Oikawa so much he couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Except that today, it didn’t feel like home. It didn't feel like Oikawa.

The books were either gone or correctly put back on Oikawa’s bookshelf. His favorite poster was gone, probably because Oikawa had decided to take it with him, and his setter award was nowhere to be found either.

Iwaizumi really, _really_ hated his bedroom now.

“Are you ready to go?” He asked, fists clenched and hidden in his pockets. Oikawa nodded, Iwaizumi hummed, none of them wanting to say more.

Iwaizumi sat on Oikawa’s bed, as he observed his best friend focusing on the last things he needed to put into his backpack: his laptop, his chargers, his earphones, the fourth volume of Harry Potter that Iwaizumi had given him a few years ago. It was their favorite.

“Oi stupidkawa, don’t forget anything.” He said as he watched Oikawa tapping his index against his chin, eyes scanning the room but never quite looking at Iwaizumi. “I don’t think we’ll able to send you whatever you forgot.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes. “My mom already checked my stuff thrice. I’m all set and ready.”

_I’m not_, Iwaizumi thought.

They stayed in silence for a moment. Oikawa pretended to be busy with something while Iwaizumi was staring at a blank spot on his friend's socks. In reality, none of them wanted to leave this bedroom and close the door behind them. It'd mean that it was time to go, and if they could push that moment back for a few more minutes, it was alright with them.

The spiker rummaged through his pocket to take out his keys. His eyes fell on the tiny Godzilla keychain. It was all damaged by now, one leg was missing and his tail was all chewed because Iwaizumi had this terrible habit to chew everything: pens, zippers, even the skin of his knuckles. He stared at it, eyes narrowed and brows furrowed as if all the answers to his questions would be written on it, and he suddenly decided to take it off.

Oikawa must've seen what he was doing, because he let out a gasp so loud it sounded as if he'd just come across a ghost. “What are you doing??? You've never taken this thing off in like... like... like eight years! Since your mom gave you your first key!”

Iwaizumi shrugged. He looked at Oikawa, a determined expression on his face, and threw the keychain at him. Iwaizumi didn't see what happened after that because he laid on Oikawa's bed, eyes closed, but by the sound of Oikawa's new gasp and of his keychain falling into the brunette's hands, he guessed that he'd caught it. “I want you to have it.” He simply explained.

One second, two seconds, three seconds. “Iwa-chan...” There you go.

He heard sniffling, and for the first time in his life, he wished he was deaf. He closed his eyes tighter, and if the world would allow it, he'd like to be swallowed by Oikawa's bed and disappear from earth.

The sound of Oikawa rumbling in his bag, of keys, then he heard a _'thump' _really close to him and at the same time he felt something bouncing against his chest before falling onto the bed next to his head. He cracked an eye open and looked at his right, only to be met with Oikawa's own keychain, an ugly, grey and thin alien with a big head, maybe even more worn out than Iwaizumi's Godzilla keychain. Iwaizumi sat up on his elbows, tilting his head to the side. He watched Oikawa with an arched eyebrow while his best friend was spinning his keys around his index, Iwaizumi's keychain already hanging with them.

The corners of his eyes were red, but Iwaizumi didn't say anything.

“What?” Oikawa started. “It's only fair. Take care of E.T.”

Iwaizumi chuckled, taking the alien keychain in his hand. “You named it E.T?” Oikawa nodded. “It doesn't look like E.T at all. Unless you watch him without your glasses on, from afar and in the dark.”

Oikawa kicked Iwaizumi's shin with his foot, causing the smaller boy to groan in pain. “You're an asshole! Give it back!” Iwaizumi's laugh got louder as he turned around, keeping a distance between the keychain and Oikawa as he tried to hang it on his keyring.

He caught Oikawa's wrist when the other tried to snatch it away from him. “I'll take good care of him, I promise.”

They started at each other for a moment. Iwaizumi never letting go of his wrist, his grip loose enough for Oikawa to step back, but the brunette didn't move. Unconsciously, Iwaizumi's thumb stroked the bone of Oikawa's wrist.

For a moment, Iwaizumi thought about kissing him.

The setter opened his mouth to say something, but his mother interrupted him. “Boys, it's time to go!”

Iwaizumi was the one to let go of him. He stood up, cleared his throat, slung Oikawa's backpack over his shoulder and scratched at the back of his neck. “Anyway. Let's go, you're sure you haven't forgotten anything uh? I don't want you to leave with regrets.”

Oikawa looked at him and smiled, but the smile on his face sent a wave of pain crashing through Iwaizumi's chest. It was soft, small, and so, _so _vulnerable and when Oikawa pronounced these words, Iwaizumi thought that he might start crying.

“No regrets.” He whispered, voice trembling and eyes teary.

Iwaizumi's lips were pressed tightly together to create a firm line. He took a last look at Oikawa's bedroom and stepped out. Oikawa followed just after him, closing the door behind them.  
  
_It's just a closed door, _Iwaizumi thought, _not the end of the fucking world. _

Their way to the airport was mostly silent too, except for the occasional questions of Oikawa's mom who was making sure that her oh dear and loved son hadn't forgotten anything. If thinking about Oikawa's departure was making Iwaizumi feel like the saddest man on earth, he didn't dare to imagine how Oikawa's parents felt right now.

Empty, probably. Proud, worried, sad, selfish because they don't want to let him go.

Iwaizumi felt like that. He hated it.

He wanted to be proud of him because, _fuck_, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and Oikawa had the chance to study, to _play _abroad and it was the most wonderful thing in the world.

But why did he have to choose _Argentina,_ a country which was eighteen thousand kilometres away from him? They'd be separated by a twelve hours difference and Iwaizumi's throat tightened again. Maybe he didn't want to throw up after all, maybe he wanted to cry.

A quick glance at Oikawa next to him reminded him not to lose his composure. Oikawa seemed confident next to him, eyes focused on the plane ticket in his hands and _oh- _they were trembling.

Without thinking about it, Iwaizumi grabbed one of his hand with his own and squeezed it. “Hey. You'll do great. You've been preparing yourself for years, everything's already planned. Just focus on enjoying it.”

Oikawa looked at him with the same open and vulnerable expression on his face. _This _was the part of him that he'd only show to Iwaizumi, the side of him which screamed _'I'm scared of failing, of losing everything I've trained for, I'm scared of being alone, of being lost._

_I'm scared of leaving you.'_

Oikawa dropped his head on Iwaizumi's shoulder, intertwining their fingers together and they both stayed silent until the end of the ride, when Oikawa's father parked in the airport's parking lot.

They made their way to Oikawa's hall, his ticket was a bit crumpled from how hard he was gripping it, but his hands were shaking less than before and Iwaizumi wished deep inside that it was thanks to him, and not just because he had come to senses. They arrived just in time for the beginning of boarding and the two boys silently regretted the fact that they didn't have more time, more time to mess around, more time to laugh, more time to _talk. _

Oikawa hugged his father who firmly held him against his chest and told him that he was proud of him. Oikawa genuinely smiled, asked him to train Takeru for him until his return, and then turned to his mother. She was already crying, eyes puffy and red, nose running. She was an ugly crier, and so was Oikawa, because he looked exactly like her. And yet, she was still the most beautiful woman in the airport.

When Oikawa was crying, Iwaizumi thought that he was still the most breathtaking person too, no matter where he was or how much he cried.

She held him close to her for what seemed like an hour, and a selfish part of Iwaizumi wanted her to let go of her son, because he wanted to hug him too before it was too late. She whispered soft words to him, begging him to call as often as possible, to take care of him, to eat enough but not too much and she told him she loved him a lot.

Oikawa only laughed, incapable of answering all of her sentences, but he hugged her back, kissed her cheek and promised that he'd try his very best so that he wouldn't make her worry too much.

Finally, _finally,_ he faced Iwaizumi.

The world seemed to stop for a moment. It was just him and Oikawa, standing a few meters away, looking at each other as if it was the last time, _but it's not, _Iwaizumi kept repeating to himself.

“Try not to miss me too much.” Oikawa said, a small smirk on his face.

_Oh, believe me, I will. _“I won't.” Iwaizumi answered, a similar grin on his lips.

The brunette let out a small laugh and when he hugged Iwaizumi, the spiker could've sworn that he'd heard a muffled sob against his shoulder, but he wasn't sure. Maybe it was his.

Their bodies were pressed tightly against each other. Oikawa's arms were encircling his neck and if Iwaizumi really cared for his own safety right now, he'd be afraid that the taller boy might break his neck. But instead, he hugged him back, arms firmly wrapped around Oikawa's waist. His eyes were closed and he was breathing in the scent of his best friend, trying to remember every smallest detail about him, even though he already knew them all.

“This is the final boarding call for the passengers booked on flight 140A to Buenos Aires. Please proceed to gate 3 immediately. Thank you.”

Oikawa held Iwaizumi closer. “Tooru, baby.” His mother said, her voice barely above a whisper as if she didn't want to interrupt them.

“I know.” Her son answered.

And just like that, all physical contact with Oikawa was over. Warmth, happiness, _home_, all of that disappeared with Oikawa. Iwaizumi almost grabbed his hand to pull him back in a hug, but he didn't. Instead, his hands were twitching by his sides.

“I'll be going then! Dad, please take care of mom, and mom, please take care of dad! See ya Iwa-chan, I'll make sure to call you when I arrive!”

“Please don't, especially if I'm asleep.” He grumbled, but his words lacked of meaning.

“I know you'll pick up anyway.” He was right. Iwaizumi was probably not going to sleep for the next twenty-four hours until he hears about his best friend.

Oikawa flashed them a last peace sign, a genuine yet quite tense smile, and left.

Iwaizumi looked at him. He watched the back of his head as Oikawa talked to the secretary. He observed how easily he showed her his ticket, his passport, as if he had travelled overseas all his life. He stared at him until Oikawa disappeared into the hallway which led to the plane and could no longer be seen. At each step, Iwaizumi felt his chest tightening and tightening until he could barely breathe. He felt like his heart was everywhere, in his throat, crushed under his feet, upside down in his stomach, but not in the right place. All he could hear was his own heartbeat, way too loud and slow to be considered as normal, and Oikawa's footsteps, which soon were too far to be heard.

_Turn around. _

_Please, turn around so that we can talk. We still have so many things to talk about. _

_You can leave like that. _

Oikawa never turned around. Not even once.

Iwaizumi kept staring at the hallway until someone shut the doors, erasing all traces of Oikawa behind him. Just like that, Iwaizumi felt like the meaning of life had been taken away from him.

When he turned around, Oikawa's mother wasn't watching the doors, she was watching him.

Iwaizumi bursted into tears.

He didn't know how long it had been since he last cried so loudly. When they lost to Karasuno, his cried and his entire body was shaking, but for most part, he was mainly silent. He hadn't felt empty. Disappointed in himself and frustrated yes, but it was nothing next to his current state.

Immediately, Oikawa's mother crossed the short distance between them and hugged him. She ran her hand through his hair as Iwaizumi's body was shaken with sobs and hiccups and with his hands, he gripped her jacket, not trusting his legs to support his weight right now.

He could smell Oikawa's perfume on her.

“I know.” She kept repeating in his ear and Iwaizumi could feel his own neck growing wet because of her tears. “I know.”

She probably did, but at this moment, Iwaizumi didn't believe her. He didn't want to believe that anyone, _anybody _on this planet could feel the same thing as him. He himself didn't know what he was feeling. He felt like he had just lost someone and that he was mourning their death. All he could think about was that maybe if he cried harder and louder, the pain would leave. He should've never let go of Oikawa in his bedroom, and he should've never let go of him a few minutes ago. Oikawa left with no regrets, Iwaizumi was full of them.

Empty. That's how he truly felt. Empty, lonely, _broken._

But Iwaizumi was wrong, somebody else was feeling exactly like him, at the same time. He was just a hundred meters away from him, but it already felt like there was a whole ocean between them.

If Oikawa hadn't turned around, it was because right when he looked away and made his way to the secretary, big tears started streaming down his face. He had bitten his bottom lip so hard to muffle his sobs that he could taste blood now, and when he knew that Iwaizumi could no longer see him, he stopped hiding his tremors, he stopped muffling his sobs, he stopped pretending that he was okay. He found his seat, ignored all the confused and pitying gazes people threw him, and let it all out.

Had he turned around and he wouldn't have gotten on that plane. Even though a huge part of him wouldn't have cared too much, he knew that Iwaizumi would've felt guilty. So he left, but little did Iwaizumi know, Oikawa left with many regrets too, and he wished that Iwaizumi hadn't let go of him. If he'd asked him to stay, Oikawa would've torn his plane ticket without any second thought. 

When you grow up with a person that has been around you for as long as you can remember, you don't realize how much they mean to you and how much space they have taken up in your life until this person is no longer by your side. And after this person leaves, when you think about all the things that have happened in your life so far, and realize that they are in every single one of your memories, you understand that living without this person will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to experience.

When this happen, an unexpected wave of loneliness hits you and leaves you with a heavy, broken heart.

And only then did Oikawa and Iwaizumi realize how much they meant to each other, and not just as friends. Oikawa needed Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi needed Oikawa, not just to play, not just to hang out, but to feel complete.

The two of them left the airport with a missing part of their hearts, and they would never feel complete again for as long as they are not together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I'm sorry about the huge, HUGE amount of angst, but after this chapter and all the tweets I've seen about iwaoi... I really needed to write something about it. I hope you'll forgive me 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> here is my [twitter](https://twitter.com/akechjgoro) and my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Iinhardt)


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